music

me as a dj... me as a singer. today i'll start recording my voice for my band's new album
I must say is a beautiful thing
i am happy!

Growing or loosing

Growing or loosing?
This is a key point... understanding how your life is going.. what are you doin'... the frustration of being connected with something you don't like and to something who brings you down every day.
I need more power, more happiness and to be more alive. I can't see through the walls that surround me. need to breath some new air. Feeel freedom and feel the sun for my future.
Need more power.
that's all folks!

Be-coming real..

Winter is coming as a shadow over my neck, bringing darkness and cold lines. The poor integrity of my hometown with the greedy souls of the citizens give me loneliness and poorness. No love survive to the strength of a wordless hearth. love feeds you but can't fill you up.
I need to sleep and wake up from this grey nightmare.
Need more humanity and less words.

Balancing

Life is a balance.
Between good and evil, nice and ugly, do or don't. A small earthquake and the balance get broken. Falling means calling, for help I mean; to come back to life. I hate this balance sometimes, it makes me feel unsure, scared about what can happen. It deep scares me to be honest. It takes away my optimism to become again a bit negative and dark. I hate those feelings, Feeling secure gives unity and power: the only sure thing now is my B, and my love for life in itself and 4 da muzik. That's all.
I am trying every day to be on the top of the hill and to never fall down... even when the earth's shaking and i feel like I am standing nowhere. Being lost nowhere is like being somewhere you can feel comfortable in desperation I think. Being in the darkness hides you and get you close to a small love for the sad things: I don't want it anymore! I need to smile, to get safe, 2B safe. I want 2B. Ok Is also something about struggling, fighting and surviving. Ok is something about living.
And my life is not balancing but choosing!
What else? I am protecting my life nowadays, I am keeping it on a straight line far from anything that can get bad things on her. It sounds like a huge contradiction to someone who said:"life is living" but is not a matter of living, is only a matter of breathing and feel quiet. I am not scared about suffering, I don't wanto to simpl suffer anymore for stupid things. Maybe I should accept that the loose of equilibrium can be also something that shakes your life, and in shaking it can gives you a new power.
The power of feelings.

"Hopelessly/I’ll love you endlessly/Hopelessly I’ll give you everything/But I won’t give you up/I won’t let you down/I won’t leave you falling/If the moment ever comes" The muse - Endlessly

Playing with my band

A picture done yesterday before playing with my band Ameba.
Was weird to start again playing with them. Slike playing with someone you got connected but you are unable to speak with anymore. Got a bit disappointed by that, but still alive and believing in our music. Music can be a good way to talk with yourself and with people who surrounds you.
Is my way anyway.
What about my normal life, well I get always surprised on how people can be interested in how I am living, something like they have no interests in their own life. Like they got bored of living and in the free time their talkin' bout my (our) life.
Why someone can't be happy only with his own time? Why someone always needs someone else's life to talk about to feel alive? I dunno.
Lack of interests? Lack of meanings? Needs...
One thing more, I talked with the doctor, he said I have no more sickness, I need to do more controls, but it seems I am ok now, it's the start of a new life, with many control and why not, fears, but is a good life.
Is my life. And I won't loose any chance.
this picture is the first one in which I feel normal and powerful, finally!
Take care Marco. Take care of yourself.

Sos

I took that picture going to a Bjork's concert.
An amazing concert made by an amazing artist as bjork is.
The vibes she was able to spread to us was amazing, B got really into it, as me. We were together in any second of the concert, like being connected by an invisible robe, honestly it was like doing love LIVE.
Same emotions and same feelings. I felt alive, completely alive and she was existing with me: no compromisises, only pure living. This is what I meant before as something exclusive that is happening to me as a couple. i live everything double and i believe in coincidences; she said: "she loves him, she loves him" and she loves me!
Ok seems stupid but is true, Bjork was speaking 4 B, Bjork was spreading love to everyone. She had a small heart under her neck.
Was nearly spreading emotions to everyone and we ate that!
No compromises: only vibes, Love and music.
Music helps me, any day and everytime, and every second of my life. The picture seems as an advice for God, like saying please help us to live stronger and easy, help us to be happy!
I love Music!

Barcode

Hallo.
Writing something on your body means give something eternal to yourself.
I believe in us two, I believe in the eternity of an act like that, i believe in the absolute of our love; I believe in us.
I don't care about our future because only the present counts, i don't care about our life because we are our life! And I want to have on ourself what we are. Slike writing something you know to believe more in that thing. We are what we want 2B, we are what we believe, we are M+B.
I start to believe that nothing can touch us now, because I don't care anymore about anything that me and my beautiful B.
Listen, listen to your heart and believe in what he says.
Listen to your body and believe in what he says.
I love he loves, she loves.
We are ourselves trademark!

Kill All!

Having fear of your future closes every door to your life. Should i walk being scared? Should I think to be locked in a cage? Never!
It could be so easy to feel surrounded by evil things when you feel unable to face reality. Being happy means also 2B strong, to fight against all the negative vibes could happen and be brave in front of the wind with a strong believe, that once you are on the right mood everything will be good.
I feel that everybody seems to steal everybody's happiness, but they can't steal something from a unique body: solid and compact. That's what I think 'bout us two: If we are united and we believe in our love we are untouchables. Big and untouchables. We don't have to kill all to feel free, because they won't fight against something is so strong and powerful !
I scream My justice, I want my life as it is!
Nice and beautiful.
Be brave Marco, be brave Bb. We are one thing!

Life is Living

Coming back from sweden. Tomorrow I´ll Land in Italy at eight with a complete new luggage of experiences and known.
What I learned? Well that I love living, that jakob is a good friend and that I miss B so much. That I love her more than myself, and that i love life more than any other thing.
I learned that nature is powerful, that I can manage to feel what I have into me, and that I need to feel alive every second of my existence.
I love to talk, but I dunno if I love to hear bullshit, and to talk bullshit, like becoming more essential and honest.
i understood that reality can be evil and that I don´t honestly like people... Human being is quite naturally evil, and those who loves you, you have to keep them near and alive. Losing someone important is somehow dying. I don´t want to die.
And this is a Break point, a no turning back moment for my own.
I want to create life, with B, with me and with all those things that are important and necessary to feel myself as something who has a small light inside.

Touching the sky

Yesterday we were at Jakob´s parent country house.
We met the sunset. Can´t explain how beautiful a sky could be, how big can be, and how perfect he can be. I felt so small, and I felt like being in in the right moment in the right place. Nature can be wild and communicative sometimes, she can directly speaks with your heart and tells everything is deserved to be told.
She suggested me to be calm, to feel my life as a gift, and to live my love as a treasure. To believe in friendship, to enjoy life and to watch only to the beauty of living.
obviously I will be scared again, obviously I will suffer again, but i don´t want to let things guide my hopes and feelings.
Being alive means to live not to think ´bout life.
Just act, just believe, and just feel.
I should think only to have some conclusion, to teach to myself with words something that is already clear into my mind.
I won´t forget those days, the kindness of people and the things I learned.
I will keep them in to my soul that came out a bit stronger!

Hell and Gore

Back from Goth to Stock:
Like going back from a long weird trip who took us down to hell and up to paradise in three days.
I felt for the first time since I got sick the chance of dying and loosing all my things.. I got scared as hell. I suddenly realiyed how nearby dying I was, and how bad life could be. Everything got black and I was lost somewhere, far from reality nearby some hidden and black place.
This happened on Friday: me and Jakid were so far one from the other,well I was so far from everyone, completely lost in my fears and in my panic attack. B was listening to my pain, and suffering for me.
On Saturday, like going out from a bad nightmare, was a great day and everything was fixed. We played well, in armony and the people could finally join a positive vibes. I don´t want to loose my actual life, is perfect. I don´t want to loose what i love, is perfect. I want to live. Every day. Every fucking remaining day.

Born Again

Now I am in Stockholm chez Jackie.
Far from home but in a new house.
I am talking about melancholy and in the same time about feeling alive: to travel and go round 4 playing music is something makes me breath from the inside, to feel "far" from B is something makes me sick from the inside. Slike a Yin Yang feeling together: the only good thing is that she supports me, and I feel strong in the same time, well those are two good things. 2B onest there are thousand of good things in my life right now. For the first time since a long period I feel with no inner pain, no lacks of air, no fears; this is Great. This is what I want for my future life! I need that, I want that. I will play tomorrow in Gotheborg and I am sure I will play not alone, but with B behind me.
Starting doing thingz again makes me feel alive, born for a 2nd time... to be honest start to feel alive again after this sickness.
With my new life I get born again: and I like it.
I don´t want to loose any second of my new life.

Living not leaving

2 live is not 2 leave.
Facing things means to look at them from the front side, to leave means to loose the taste of life - and to get lost.

Choosing is to live, suffering things means to loose your breath.
What should I do? I've already choosen.
2 live is my choice, to face my life is the key of my life's door.
I am not scared.
She's starting to feel comfortable and she begun leave thingz around the house. This is funny. She's like a small animal missing things around, i love it. I love also to see her moving around the house arranging her stuffs, thinking or being upset because she woke up since 5 min. and she needs to sleep more. "Don't look at me, i am ugly!" She says.
She's the most beautiful creature in the world i say!

Yesterday she showed to me a huge respect, she did a choice 4 my music, 4 my messages, 4 me! And I appreciate it.
Life is choosing.
And she has done her own choice: ME.
I did mine: B
We live, we're not leaving our life!

You got to believe

"You got to believe in something".
I want to believe in freedom, in happiness, in my happiness; in her, in her love in her choices, I want to believe in my body, in my mouth in my soul, in her smile in her eyes in her thoughts.
I want to believe in something, in my life, in humanity, in the kindness of someone who cares about us, in her strenght, in my hands, I want no bends, who cover my eyes, who shout my mouth who tell me to die who make me cry.
I want to believe in smile, I want no lie, once we are strong enough we can be tough. Tough to believe we don't need nothing else than our love, and the respect of everyone. We have our way and I want to believe is the right way: i will support my B everywhere and every time.
I want to believe in something:
I want to believe in us two.

Music and cinema

Yesterday we've been to listen to Philip Glass at the theatre: Was Amazing!
Amazing to listen to him while watching B in the eyes, on the mouth...
A beautiful image with an incredible sound. I loved to give importance to the music and not to the musician. Honestly. I loved it! Is like our life's soundtrack... i felt in a movie but I felt solid not as an image on the wall!

Another beautiful thing I discovered on these days is the unconditioned love of B.
No compromise, loving is living and to live is to believe in love!
She's the first person who express it completely; I feel necessary for the first time to someone (as she is 4 me!) and I know we are no more an image of ourself but a shape full of life:
I feel full! Not empty anymore.
Full of our feelings!

Nothing can Stop me now

"Nothing can stop me now cause I don't care anymore"
Said Nin some years ago, I always believed in it.
Like protecting myself from I dunno what. I believe it's something different now, I don't care 'bout suffering, being vulnerable, being weak... i want 2B strong.
To protect myself, my life and my woman.
That's what I want, that's why nothing will stop me now, because I won't care about bad things and dark holes around my incredible and splendid life.
Having B in my house gave me an happiness that is somehow connected with my childhood, with the original happiness: something so far and so incredibly true I cannot explain. A rude happiness from deep inside my body; that grows and explodes through the tears of my eyes.
This is what Love is: Pure, genuine and spontaneous emotions, with no compromises.
I will defend them, I will fight for them, I will keep them alive.

Missing something so special is kinda watching your soul fall, in a silent and lonely dark sleep.
I don't want to die, I don't want to loose anything.
Finally I am awake.

New life

"New life". After two months B is coming to my home!
Many fears and shadows will come out, but I am honestly happy to have chosen for the first time something in my life.
I chosen to divide my life with someone, to have someone near me, to share feelings, emotions and obviously fears.
What about my intimacy? Well I maybe will loose it but I'll find some new emotions I forgot or I never got used to. What about being upset? I think something will happen, I will fight for my own ideas, for my feelings, my jealousy, my love!
Are those things useful to love someone?
I dunno, but is my way of loving, is my own point of no return, where compromises get burned down by passions.
It will bring darkness but we have our own lamps!And we will find the exits.
Sometimes you need a scream to make all the whispers to shut up!

The light

Discovering the light into a sea of shadows is a huge adventure:
getting lost anywhere also when you know where u are is something so usual for the travellers of life. I need a light to know my way, I need a key to open my doors, I need to be brave to face all the dungeons life give to me.

Is not kinda sacrifice, or I dunno feel lika sad boy, i only thing that I want to preserve my happiness and to fight for her; was so difficult to have it, that sometimes I am scared about loosing her, even if I pay all the attentions of the world, keeping an eye open every moment.
Ok, I won't be paranoid, it's a normal human fear that won't manage my life and my desires. sometimes it takes me from the feet and try to drag me down into the deepest darkness of the world, that's why I need a light every time. i won't get lost if i don't want to get lost, and I will always try to find a way out from sadness.
Today everything sounds a bit menacing.
My own sun will clean my own shadows.

A dream

I dunno that a dream could be real when you manage to do it with all your strenght: Yesterday we've been on a concert me and my B - was quite difficult to manage that she doesn't know nothing bout the concert and who's playing.. and someone somewhere, some fucking Big god choosen to don't let her know nuthin' bout the evening. Was a big surprise for her, and for the first time i saw her really without words.
Music and vibes could really create something special for people.
Makes us sick, happy and crazy!
That's what I love 'bout music: she speaks for you.
She can find the words and the way to say thing, and makes you feel stronger.
Can't do nuthin' without my music.

Ah one thing i forgot, B danced on mr Bungle's "California" - my favourite album ever! - and this thing makes me CRAZY!
How beautiful is that?!??!
'Slike a dream! As the one that became reality!

The tree

Was thinking that beautiful things can and must exists inside our normal life.





Today I bought a Bonsai to explain to B how our life could be.
A three has his own history and in the moment you buy it you buy also his own life.. from so on your life is behind it and you live with it! i love this thing: to be a part of someone life.
This is something I wanted to show to B, how the life of something can become important for your own life. how her life can become important for my own life.
One thing was fot in my mind, a bonsai is difficult to manage and is quite difficult to make it grow up.. something like love... difficult but amazing to manage!
I need every time to confirm to myself the beauty of my life.

We are what we want 2 B!

Destiny and choices

Tonight something weird happened.
B told me i was waking up telling her "I love you B, i love u so much!"..
Can't remember..
I was talking while I was sleeping. There is consciousness in sleep? What I was dreaming? The air in My hometown is hot, and is cooking my brain? (So we bought a wind maker in Iron. Was cold after that!) - Or i am simply getting lost anywhere in my love? Is crazy how your life could take a wave instead of another, choices are the basic turn point of the river of life.
I love that: no destiny, only choices!

But sometimes i cannot stop believing in destiny 4 example I was driving and listening with B to the Jeff Buckley's version of hallelujah, i thought We were living too fast and suddenly I drove the car to 20 km/h.
Every car was so fast and was even faster than us ( ok we were super slow). We reached the pay point ( i dunno the name in english - is the place where you pay once you took a big road).
I put my window down and there was a sticker on the paying point. what was wrote on it? "Va tutto bene" - Everything is fine.
Got crazy!

Island of soul

Ok, last post of the day... sounds like I am only posting:
I was thinking 'bout the existence of this blog, and the exsistence of many other blogs.. once nobody knows them, they are like a lost island in the middle of the sea, whose inhabitant is a crazy old man talking nonsense only by himself.
But there is something that amaze me in being discovered, and in leaving my thoughts through all the passing time..
Frozen on a monitor, waiting for some eyes.

'slike leaving a bottle in the middle of the sea, hoping that someone notice your thoughts.
Thoughts are like shadows, painted on the wall, trembling depending on my soul.

"I should say let's get lost, let's get discovered!"

Rising from my darkness

Sounds strange when You wake up from a bad dream. Many crazy things start to happen and you start to love simple things, Like in a soap shit movie, where usual thingz happen and marvellous events come one after the other:
Ok I LOVE MY LIFE, even if I am starting to forget how beautiful was the sky once i got out from the hospital, but a strange brightness still shine deep in my deep house, in my heart!
I think I brought this flavour on the things i am living, and everything became so simple after this unluckiness.
Life is changing, is true, one second you are fine, the next second you are not fine anymore. Balancing is the key. Breathing is the way. Being surprised is the land i am standing. The sun is jumping over the sea!

My B

Well, being in love is such an hard and soft struggle in the same time.
Life is complicated, sayd Unkle in the open track of "never never land". I dunno. i love to live, I love to be alive: i am not such a positive and loser motherfucker, I only thing that I am enough lucky to enjoy my life, and not to be in pain for it.
It depends on what are your expectations from your life: I want to live, love and listen to music.
Once I have those things I am fit with myself.
It's really really easy, normal and boring. but is what my life can be. And what I want to give to my life.
I m not losing expectation and desire, is only that I am more quiet, i am waiting, breathing air and living.
jesus, i think I am normally in LOVE!
She is my love, my B (B means betti - her name).

Here I am

What should i say once I can speak?
Words can be meaningless in front of reality and emotions. But I love to comunicate I need to do it and to spread my feelings. Hallo to everyone and well, if someone of you is from Sweden this is your change to hear some Crazy sounds.
ok i am a Dj... but not only a fucking dj...everyone deserves surprises!